It’s been longer then I anticipated since I last blogged and here is why….
After my post about my miscarriage I went through the stages of grief. I cried my eyes out for a couple of days but went about my life. I went to work and cried in the bathroom. I dropped my daughter off at school and picked her up but while I driving in the car alone, I cried. I couldn’t stop crying and my poor boyfriend really didn’t know how to handle it.
Once my crying slowed down, I am still going through bouts of crying, I got angry and nasty. Some days it’s gone from anger to rage over this loss that I didn’t know how to deal with at all. I was angry at everyone and anyone that entered my life. Working in the restaurant industry isn’t good for anyone prone to be angry, let alone a woman still dealing with her hormones being wacky and grieving the loss of her unborn child.
Every child at one of my tables made me want to cry and there have been moments in the bathroom where I have shed a tear or two. Now it seems like I see baby commercials and adorable baby products everywhere I turn. All of this has set off a rage in me that I have never felt before this grief set in.
I have bit off the heads of the people I love over reasons I can’t remember. I have started fights with people of nonsense. I have just have been miserable in everything I say and do. Just my mannerisms have radiated negativity.
To make matters worse, I work with someone who is known to be negative and miserable and this weekend my anger came to a head to popped. It felt this rage burst inside of me that I just couldn’t control or stop and it was a scary couple of days. I attempted to quit my job because I needed to get my head on straight and stay away from negativity. Thankfully my boss and I talked things out before I upped and quit my job but this anger needs to controlled.
Since this all happened, I adjusted my work schedule to work around happy, positive coworkers, joined the gym with my boyfriend and started listening to a new audio book. Small steps to big changes.
Words can never be enough to express how a mother feels when she loses a baby whether that baby is 20 years old, 20 days old or never made into their mothers arms. My heart feels completely broken tonight as I suffer through my 3rd miscarriage.
It has been 4 years since my last miscarriage and this time was so different. I am with someone new, whom I love with all my heart. We were so excited when the sticks came back positive but I kept spotting which for any woman wanting a baby is the most dreadful thing to see. The spotting was on and off for 2 weeks since I found out I was pregnant. I went to the ER because I was so concerned over the spotting and mild cramping but they couldn’t find anything wrong… or the baby!
The ultrasound found nothing in my uterus, no sac no fetal pole but nothing in my Fallopian tubes which was a positive thing because an ectopic could mean no future children. I was told that it could just be to early (5 weeks pregnant) to see anything. They sent me for follow up bloodwork to see if my levels were rising which they did but not much.
Fast forward 4 days, after a weekend of morning sickness and sore breasts and constipation and bloating, I woke feeling like something was off. I went to work and went to the bathroom…. there is was the dreaded spotting was back. I drank more water and prayed while I waited on my customers. I checked again and the bleeding became heavier and my heart sank. I knew what was happening… I was losing my baby.
By the time I got home, I began to pass a clot and the bleeding has gotten heavier with some cramping. I had to hold it together until my 9 year old daughter went to bed. The moment she got into the shower, I lost it and started sobbing uncontrollably with no stopping in sight.
As I was texting my boyfriend between tears, I realized I wanted to share my lose with others, to help other women get through what I am going through. It’s a heartbreaking situation and will never ease the pain of losing a child whether you held them in your arms or not but sharing with others can let you know your not alone. I will continue to post about how things how and how I’m feeling as I lose this baby and try for another in the future.
Baby dust for all of you that have lost a baby and are trying for another baby.